The parents
by Rcker12771
Summary: After proposing to Bella, Edward brings her home to tell his parents. if everything goes well, his parents will gladly pay for the entire wedding, but wit Emmet and Jasper trying to humiliate him, will everything really go that well? All Human!
1. Chapter 1

The Parents

BPOV

"FUCK!" I screamed in the back of Edward's Vanquish as we came together. It would be on this visit that we would announce our engagement and to say we were nervous was an understatement. Sex was a great stress reliever.

Edward's body moved off mine and he kicked the car door open with his foot. I slid out of the car and looked at him with a smile. Edward was good at sex, and he knew it. He took the condom he had had on his hard-on and threw it on the ground. I got up and placed the sole of my sling-back heels on the rubber.

"What are you doing?" I whispered. I could see Edward's brother, Emmet walking up with his girlfriend Rosalie on his arm. She was amazingly pretty, even though Edward said he thought she paled in comparison to me. I said that he said that just to get into my pants. "What if someone sees that?" I hissed, totally mortified.

Edward laughed when Emmet wiggled my shoulders, making me scream. "Sees what almost little-sis?" he asked looking around. I blushed a bright red and wiped the soul of my shoe on the wheel of the car.

"Nothing, um…how are you Rosalie?" I asked. Rosalie wasn't fond of me, since I'd gotten a ring out of a Cullen brother before she did. It was overly competitive and petty, but she stood by her disliking of me.

"Fine, still unmarried…" she whispered, looking at Emmet, who sighed. Emmet was as commitment-hating as they got. He couldn't even keep his phone for the two-year requirement. He would destroy his iPhone just to get a new one.

"Rose." He rolled his eyes. "C'mon, mom wanted to talk to you." He brushed his girlfriend away and they walked into the house. I smiled halfheartedly as the door closed. Edward and I walked in after them.

The Cullen's white-on-white décor always made me feel cold, and kind of lifeless. It looked so chic and unlike me. I always felt like the red wine stain on their perfection. Edward was of course the one to protest.

"Edward, Emmet!" Esme, the guys' mother shouted. she was the textbook definition of what moms would look like in the fifties, but she was just as powerful as the ball-busting businesswomen of today. I admired her for that.

"Mom!" both boys replied superficially. Rose and I always had this in common though, we thought Em and Edward's way of talking to their mother was priceless. They always put on the perfect son routine, but it was only perfect once Jasper was here.

As if on cue, Jasper ran into the room with all his and his wife Alice's bags in his arms. I loved Alice, she always brought out the funny part of Jasper. They were so ridiculously perfect for each other, you couldn't help but smile.

"ALICE!" I shouted, running to the person I basically called my sister. And when I got married to Edward, we would be. Alice hugged me back with her skinny arms and giggled.

"Bells!" she jumped up and down wit me. she was the only one besides Edward and I that knew about the engagement. I hadn't even been wearing the ring, just so we could surprise everyone. Alice just had a way of knowing everything before she was told.

Jasper smiled and pecked me on the cheek. "Hi Bella." He smiled. I smiled back and started talking to Alice about how my day had been. Rose poked me in the arm and gesture to the boys.

I think this is what the three of us together. I think it's because we all realized how amazingly special the three Cullen boys were. How perfect their family was. I knew we all longed to be in that, and we were two third of the way there.

The three boys laughed with there mom for a good minute, before she turned to notice the three girls in the room. Esme's one, and only flaw: Her sons were hers…and no one else's. This is where that ball-busting quality really reared it ugly head.

But of course she _loved_ Alice. Everyone did because it was just easier that way. You felt like a bad person if you didn't. she was just too nice to hate, something I learned the day I met her.

"Alice, Bella, _Rosalie_." And every year, she would say our names in the order of who she liked best. I was always in the middle, not unusual to me in the least bit. I was always average. Never too good or too bad at anything. At least I wasn't Rosalie, who Esme hated…since Emmet and her had been caught doing it in Carlisle's office when they were fifteen.

We each hugged Esme lightly and waited for one of our boyfriends to pick up the conversation again. Edward was the one to do it.

"We should…unpack." He'd suddenly said. I nodded, but Esme shook her head. "You guys go do that. I want to talk with Bella and Alice." She purposely stared at Rosalie to emphasis the exclusion. The boys an Rose scurried up the stairs with their bags, not waiting a second to disappear.

"Alice…Bella." Esme smiled. "Actually…Alice, you can go too. It's only Bella I need to speak with." Her voice was soothing, even though the situation resembled the part right before my character in the story is killed. Alice squeezes my arm lightly and then ran up the stairs, her footsteps matching my booming heart beat.

EPOV

Alice came up the stairs as I lay on the bed in my old room. I shifted so that I was on my side. She stood in the doorway, smiling. "What's you do." She said. Emmet and Jasper were on the floor, sitting on suitcases and laughing their asses off. (They had smoked a joint as soon as they'd gotten into my room.)

"What do you mean little sis?" I asked. Alice crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. Something she frequently did when Jasper did something like ask why she'd recorded all those fashion week shows on the plasma screen. She was like my annoying little sister, which she hated when I called her just that.

"Why Esme's down there talking to Bella all serious like." Alice squawked. I shrugged because I truly didn't know. Esme was always one to make mountains out of mole hills. Knowing her, it was probably because Bella hadn't placed her glass on a coaster.

"I bet it's about the phone sex." Jasper laughed. Everyone in the room's eyes darted to my completely stoned brother. My eyes bulged in shock, because we swore never to bring up that horrible moment ever again. I can't even bare to think of it.

"Phone sex?" Alice looked at me, horrified. I blushed and looked down at my happy brothers. They were still laughing. Emmet was first to stop in time to explain.

"Before Edward went to UCLA for graduate school, he lived with our mom and dad for about two years." He giggled. "In that time, got…_very_ lonely." He said. "Especially with his girlfriend Bella miles away." Alice laughed so hard she fell over. I was glad they got a joy out of my own personal hell. And if their laughter wasn't torture enough, the moment replayed in my head like a movie.

"So what are you wearing." I'd said to Bella. It was dead quiet at the house and I'd thought that Esme and Carlisle were asleep. "Be descriptive." Bella giggled on the other end of the phone.

"Well," she sighed. "I'm wearing my favorite black lace panties and matching bra. You know…the one with the polka dots?" she'd replied. I'd moaned, she'd known that was my favorite. She looked so sexy in the lingerie it was ridiculous. "What about you?" she said, her voice airy and panting. I could picture her there, on my bed, panting just like that.

"Jeans." I'd replied simply. "I'm not that exciting." I was terrible at that sort of thing and Bella knew it. she just acted like it didn't bother her.

"Oh," she moaned, or said. I was really horny that day and couldn't really tell the difference between casual conversation and a come one. "You wouldn't believe how wet that makes me." she said. Again with the lies, but my dick hadn't really cared. It was tight in my jeans and I really had to…_relieve_ myself.

"Bella, you don't have to do this." I'd said. I could hear her amazing laugh on the other end.

"Edward…I haven't seen you in months. If you think what you're going through is bad, imagine it from my shoes. I've been fuck-deprived for forever. I can't even get off thinking about you because my roommate is like a fucking stalker." She said. I laughed at that, Bella always had the weirdest experiences with people. "I'm serious, if I don't start playing with myself, I think I might combust."

"Don't let me stop you." I said lightly, taking my right hand and well…you know. Simultaneously, I could hear Bella's breathing stagger.

"Oh," she moaned again. I closed my eyes and pretended that she was there, with me. I jerked harder. "Fuck," she said.

I moaned into the phone. just thinking about Bella made me get hard. Hearing here on the phone was both terrible and awesome at the same time. Terrible because it reminded me that I was there with her, and awesome because it was the closest thing to sex I'd gotten in the last two months.

"Bella," I whispered. at the same time, door opened. Esme was standing in the hallway, with shock on her face. I'd immediately dropped the phone. "Esme?" I'd shouted.

"Esme?" Bella repeated onto the phone, her tone disgusted. "You're thinking about your fucking mother? That's disgusting." Was all I heard before I shut the phone.

Emmet and Alice giggled. Jasper was inhaling another drag when I'd gotten up and punched my brothers. I wasn't going to let her get in trouble for something we both did. I ran down the stairs to find Bella and my parents talking seriously in the kitchen. I run in frantically.

"PHONE SEX WAS MY IDEA!" I shouted, probably loud enough for them to hear upstairs. Carlisle and Esme looked up to see me, their faces stunned. "Bella had just agreed because Emmet dared her too." I added. Emmet would kill me for that later, but it was worth it.

"What are you talking about?" Esme replied, sending me into a fit of confusion. My eyes bulged when I decided to clarify.

"Aren't you talking about the time you walked in on Bella and I having phone…" as the realization sunk in that that wasn't _at all_ what they were talking about came to me, I felt like puking. Just vomiting all over the place.

BPOV

Nice Edward. Just _nice_. Had he really just said what he had? Really? You don't just come yelling down the stairs that you and your girlfriend do that. I felt mortified as the blood rushed to my cheeks. Esme stared disapprovingly at me and her son. I suddenly wanted to kill my fiancé.

"Just kidding…" I said weakly, laughing like this situation was funny. "We got you two good…you should have your faces." I slapped my hand on the counter in fake amusement. Edward caught on and started laughing too.

"Wow, you guys are gullible." Edward laughed. That's when everyone came down the stairs, probably growing impatient because they hadn't heard the slamming of dishes and the swinging of knives.

"They don't seem mad at all." We all heard Alice say. Did they not realize they were in ear shot? "I mean, if I caught my son getting off with his girlfriend on the phone, I'd be pissed." Alice said stunned.

My face blushed harder and I wanted to die. Really? Did this really have to happen? I hated every second of my life until Jasper opened his mouth.

"C'mon Alice, we shouldn't be talking about things that aren't true." You could see Esme and Carlisle relax. "We don't a have a son."

The feeling of wanting to die was back at full force.

EPOV

I was an idiot. Bella was probably never talking to me again. My mom and dad probably think I'm a pervert. My life was officially down in the crapper. I sighed when Emmet walked into the room. here comes the sex jokes.

"Hey Bedward…get it? I mixed your names together." He laughed along with my other brother. I shot him a warning glass. "What?" he answered. "No retaliation? You must be _getting off_—I mean soft."

Carlisle spit out the glass of water he'd managed to get in all the chaos. I could tell my face was bright red when I punched Emmet in the stomach. Alice cover her mouth to cover a laugh. Jasper really wasn't laughing at anything, just enjoying the buzz he got from the joint they'd hidden in my room.

"Emmet," Esme said angrily. She hated when Emmet said innuendoes in front of everyone. She said it made us look like we were trashy. Our twenty million dollar house would like to disagree with that. With our money, looking trashy was almost impossible.

Jasper and Alice had entered the room, giggling at Emmet's comment. I found it ridiculous. Bella's head suddenly tilted to the ceiling, she was about to cry.

"Edward," she said. My face perked at her mentioning my name, but my family just seemed eager to find out what she was going to say. "Can we talk?" she asked, her eyebrows were raised. I nodded, trying to leave the room, Emmet and Jasper making it so I couldn't move. I already knew what they wanted Bella to say.

"Come here." she rolled her eyes, and grabbed my hand. Even Carlisle cracked a smile at that one. Who do you think taught Emmet the joys of innuendoes? It sure as hell wasn't Esme or Rosalie. Carlisle was the only logical answer.

We walked into the hallway and out of ear shot. "What?" I hissed. :"You know that they think you're probably giving me head right now." I added. She crossed her arms, making her chest pop out from her shirt. My eyes darted down and then back at her face._ Dammit._

"Why the hell would you say that?" she whispered. I shrugged.

"Someone said that was what you guys were talking about?" I phased it as more of a question than an answer. Bella scoffed.

"Who? Your brothers, who are about as baked as two loaves of bread." She paused and started to angrily pace in a circle. "Or Rosalie who hates my guts?" she continued. "Alice is too nice, she would never do that."

Well of course not, Alice didn't have the backbone to backstab. I sighed and rubbed Bella's shoulders. She relaxed instantly. "It will blow over, we just have to say we were kidding," I tried.

"Esme thinks I'm a slut." She pouted at me. "Next year it will be: Alice, Rosalie, _Bella_." She wiped at the tears falling from her face. "I don't want my mother-in-law to hate me." she said into my chest.

There was a gasp, the dropping of glass, and many other sounds before the silence in the kitchen. Then came the stampede of my family. "YOU'RE ENGAGED!" Esme shouted at me. her eyes suddenly lacked any sign of anger. It freaked me out a little. She turned to Carlisle and she smiled. "Well this changes _everything_." she sighed, relieved.

I had a very bad feeling about this.


	2. Chapter 2

The Parents

BPOV

Esme's face was suddenly excited as she found out I was marrying her son. "Oh my!" she jumped. "No wonder you two are acting so weird, you're trying to freak me out so the marriage thing doesn't sound like a huge deal!" she concluded. Edward and I shared a panicked glance.

"Of…_course_." Edward said. "I mean, we were so nervous about telling you, so we thought if we freaked you out…you wouldn't take it as such a big deal." He sighed. The logic behind Esme's conclusion really made no sense, but I was okay with it. as long as my name doesn't start coming in last.

"Well." Esme said, tapping my on the shoulder. "I'm really not that mad about the phone thing," she laughed awkwardly. Carlisle gave her a totally confused look. "I mean, I'm _glad_ you two have…_interest_ in each other. I mean…I want grand children."

Edward choked on his own spit. Emmet and Jasper laughed at that, and I blushed. We weren't even married, and she was already thinking about grandchildren. My mother-in-law was such a psycho.

"Yeah, um…I'm gonna go unpack." Edward started to say, but Esme stopped him.

"No, I want to talk to you two." She pointed at Edward and me. I sighed, much to Emmet's enjoyment. He totally loved seeing his brother suffer. I was going to flush his stash for this.

EMPOV

It might have been the pot, but I thought that what was happening was hilarious. I mean, it's not every day your brother tells your mom that he had had phone sex with his fiancé.

Rose was still mad at me, because she had already known about the engagement—Alice the big mouth had told her—and she's been bitching about wanting ring ever since.

Edward and Bella walked with Esme into a separate room, and I shot a knowing look at Jasper. We both walk over closer to the door.

"I was going to originally have you two sleep in separate rooms." She started. "But I guess you can share Edward's room, and Bella…" Esme said. "I want you to help me make dinner tomorrow." She added. "Have fun you two. And I can't wait to help with the wedding planning!" she jumped. Jasper and I suppressed laughter as we walked into the kitchen were Carlisle was drinking water.

"Dad?" I asked. "What's up?" Carlisle frowned. I'd wondered what he made of all this chaos, but really, I was distracted by Bella's mortification.

"Your mother's a lunatic." He sighed. Jasper laughed. "I mean, she freaked out about the phone thing, and now…she gonna act all happy while she puts Bella through wife boot camp."

It was true. Bella and Edward didn't know it, but that's what happens when one of us gets married. It happened to Alice and Jasper, and it sure as hell will happen to Edward and Bella.

When Jasper and Alice got engaged, Esme got all excited and then took Alice _everywhere_. They would shop, eat, drink, and do almost everything together. Alice was ready to kill herself by the fourth day of it. Being engaged to a Cullen was like asking to be on Esme-watch twenty-four seven. She really wants to know if you're good enough. No one really ever was…except Alice. Everybody _loves_ Alice.

Edward walked into the room, and Jasper and Carlisle started to laugh. his expression was tired and grumpy. It'd been awhile since we'd seen it. Everyone in the house—except Esme—loved to see grumpy Edward. He was the most fun to mess with. He would yell and scream and throw stuff when he was pissed off. Not to mention his face turns a cool shade of red. Plus it takes him like three days to chill out from a huge anger-fest, which always makes me laugh.

"You okay, son?" Carlisle asked. Edward sighed and fell onto the stool by the island we stood by.

"Esme's going to drive my fiancé insane." He said to the marble counter top. I scoffed.

"Now you see why marriage is a bad thing." I lectured. Jasper rolled his eyes. he was on the band-wagon for marriage. He said it was great. I said he was a liar.

"Marriage is awesome." Jasper laughed. "I mean, you're wife has no choice but to sleep with you." Carlisle frowned at the observation, Edward laughed, and I stared. Marriage was terrible, and that was that.

"Whatever." Edward said, getting up. "I'm going to go unpack, see you guys later." We all nodded.

"Remember Eddy," I said. "Phone sex is safe sex."

Edward flipped me the bird and walked up the stairs. This was going to be an amazing trip.

EPOV

I stared at the ceiling after I flushed all of Jazz and Em's pot down the toilet. Knowing that there dealer was leaving for Mexico, they wouldn't have any for the next year. I laughed happily to know that they'd be just as miserable as me.

I walked out of my bathroom and saw Bella lying on my bed. She was on her stomach, propping her face up with her hands. she smiled. "hey," she breathed.

"Hey." I repeated. I sat down next to her and flipped over, so that she was facing me.

"You're mom's crazy." She said finally after a millennium of silence. I laughed at that, since it was completely true. "She gave me this ancient African fertility bracelet and said to 'put it to good use." She used air quotes. I stared at the blue, purple, and red beaded bracelet on her wrist. I needed to burn that thing if it was the last thing I'd do. I really didn't want children, at least not now. I mean, I'd just graduated med school, and I really don't Bella wanted any either. The bracelet needed to be destroyed.

"Why'd she send you up here?" I asked. She sat up and leaned against me. It felt awkward because I kept thinking about that stupid bracelet. "I mean, I'm glad you're here, but I thought she was bombarding you with wedding questions." Bella smiled.

"Alice saved me." Of course Alice saved her. Alice was always the one to save situations. I put my hands on Bella's shoulders, still thinking about that bracelet.

"Do you still want to marry me?" I asked. "I mean, you can say no right now and leave. I mean, my mom is enough to send half my former girlfriends packing." I said. it was the truth. Bella was one of the few girlfriends that actually survived meeting my mother. The only other one was this girl named Tanya, but we broke up years ago.

"Of course." She smiled. "You're the only guy I know who knows more positions than a sex manual." She sighed into my neck. Her lips grazed my jaw line and her arms slid onto my chest.

BPOV

I didn't know why I was doing this. Nothing good could come of it. but I kept kissing Edward. He pulled me on top of him and laid down. the first thing he took off was the bracelet Esme gave us.

"And this will be going in the drawer." he shoved it to the bottom of a drawer in his bedside table. I laughed while I kissed him.

He slid his hand down my sides and stopped at my butt. He squeezed and I moaned. That's when the door opened. It was Emmet, Jasper, and Alice. Edward basically threw me off of him and I landed on the floor by the bed.

"Fuck," I murmured. when I saw the small cut on my elbow. Emmet laughed and Jasper grimaced.

"You guys couldn't just call each other?" Alice joked. I got up and hit Edward on the stomach. He rolled his eyes and sat up.

"Why are you guys here?" he rubbed at his eyes. I crossed my arms and stared at the three of them this better be good.

"We wanted to know if you wanted to go get some drinks." Jasper said. "And what happened to our stash." He added.

Edward smiled to himself before answering. "No thanks, and check the toilet." I could already tell that this was going to be a very interesting trip.


End file.
